OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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