Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
