Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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