hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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