While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
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States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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