Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
