I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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