Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
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How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
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That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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