We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
