It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
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