dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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