T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
