Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
