I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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