when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
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