Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
