i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
