The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
