I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
