i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
