cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
