I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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