we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
