Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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