i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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