Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
