she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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