My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
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Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
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Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"