seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
