yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.