Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
My life is pants optional.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
