I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
