I wish my penis had an off switch
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
