I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
