My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
