I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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