Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
