We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
