I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
