I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
