The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize