Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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