You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
