If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
