I'm eating all of the evidence.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
