I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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