There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
