I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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