No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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