it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Randomize
