idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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