I didn't shave. On purpose
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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