I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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