Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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