fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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