dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
my poor anus
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
