Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
it glows. i had to have it.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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