There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
